Barristers CVs

#1 the top set junior

Cuthbert Smith (NB, was Smythe-Smyth, but toned it down)

1st in History from St Wiggins Oxon, LLB (hons, bar, and croix de banane (Sorbonne)) Drowning College Cambs, BVC, Crunthling Scholar (emmeritus), 

Junior in the British Spaz v European Wivelsprocket, Junior Junior in SABANANA spa v EUROFRUIT, Junior Junior Junior in SpazMaritine v EuroMarine ("the Spazolean")

How may prizes do these twats win at university?  Hand them out like confetti if you ask me 

I dunno, but if you wannabe a junior barrister at a Top Set (TM), then you need them...

You’re basically just hoping mutters is on a con call for a thread like this. 

If I'm honest, yes...

#2 Senior (Senior) Junior

Barry Solidname

2:1 Solid Redbrick University, solid BVC, 2nd place Sturdy Medal ("constructive implied intent and the RTA"). "Most promising junior" (RTA Bar association 1993), "One to watch for silk" (Traffic Lawyers monthly 2005), "Steady pair of hands" (Haulage Bar association 2015)

Cases: MiddleRoad co v Ordinary LLP (Estates Gazette 1993), Smith v Wiggins (unreported 2002), R v Boring (Crap Reps 2003).

Barry's knowledge of the Road Traffic Act and the magistrates courts of Kingston is unparalleled, and he has a solid portfolio of cases for insurers. Barry is a safe pair of hands. (sotto voice: just don't stand next to him at chambers parties, or ask about tropical fish)

Looks like Mutters is out fixing his landrover or doing some hedging...

#3 The Head of Chambers

 

Peregrine Eminence-Grise QC, DFC and Bar

Double First from Corpulent Christie College (Cantab)

Joined the RAF after completing schooling at Haberdashery Askes (Harpsichords 1936) and commanded a squadron of Avro Sticklebacks during the Battle of the River Doily in Borneo

After being called to the bar in 1947 he took silk in 1960

Cases: Aliens v Predator (the Nostromo) 1992

Eyebrows: Magnificent  

Ivor Delicious-Wang QC

3 Lovely Buildings

 

Call: 1994 QC: 2006

Hong Kong: 1998, New York: 2002, Bermuda: 2004

Inner Upper Middle Lower Temple Bar Scholar prize for debasing.

 

Notable cases

Cayman Islands Telecom Co v GlobaCom, Inc (2006): the most disclosure there’s ever been.

Some terrifying Russians v Some even more terrifying Russians: how Ivor wasn’t assassinated we don’t know.

Bermuda Re Re Re v Bermuda Re Re Re Re 3: the Anteopeodess: nobody has the faintest idea.

What clients say

Clients describe Ivor as a “tenacious, fiendishly clever, bitter, pasty, bespectacled little vampire”.

Interests

When he’s not working 18 hours a day or polishing his organ, Ivor spends up to 3 hours a week with his kids (subject to diary commitments)

Globe-trotting Academic

Dr Hans von Gruber Phd (Cambs), Dphil (Ox), Visiting Professor Mumbai, BCL, Dr of Laws (Nuremburg), External Professor Hawaii, Supernumery Cannon of Laws Canterbury, Nunciple of Papal Law (Rome), Mufti of Islamic Law (Cairo), MPhil, MICE (can't remember)

Dr von Gruber (door tenant) is believed to have seen an English law book once, and has written extensively on the comparative interpretations of implied intent as to road traffic accidents for many European journals (one of which is in a language we can get translated - anyone know any legal Basque or Macedonian?).

His clients say "Impressive letterhead", "has anyone seen him?" "is the Surfboard with 'Dude' in Akkadian his?"

His interests include students, surfboards, letterheads and obfuscation

The Hearty:

Henry "Hearty" Hart-Hart

Oxford (Teddy Hall) Law (1990) (Editor: seriously, is that it? he got a bloody desmond as well, can we steal one of the juniors' prizes or something? And, no Hearty, knowing "Bufty" Struggles of British Spaz isn't an award. And he's had to leave, remember...?)

Henry has been a bedrock of the lands tribunals and horse lists in the Newmarket Registry. His knowledge of clients is unrivalled and he is renowned for his warm courtroom manner.

His clients say "Marvellous! someone I can find in Debretts, he'll do" "Good chap, but maybe he should let that junior of his go home sometimes and do the work himself?" "I had lunch after the hearing with him. No idea what happened. Lucky he knew the Chief constable"

Heh. Andrew Burrows spent a couple of years in the mid 90s at Bond University aka "The University of Surfers Paradise". Wonder if he took it up.  Be quite cool if he was a surfing member of the SC.

"and I concur with the learned judgment of Lord Bumsmoke"

"Gnarly reasoning dude, I agree with the pre-eminent Wig-dude too"

"Annnndrew, we're recorded these days"

"oops"

He once took a volume of the All England Reports to an FA Cup Final and read it during half time.

there have been some cup finals where I'd read that rather than watch the game...

It's a good metric though - you know how some Linkedin posts give an idea of how long they take to read.

Wiggins v Malone - a revision to constructive implied intent under the RTA - Barry Solidname (20 mins, better than a 0-0 draw in a non-league game)

Prizes at university? I put myself in for 3 x 3 hour exams (when I was in upper sixth)  for a university scholarship and won one which lasted for each year of my degree. I was then top of the year in law in year 1 so won a prize for that and top of a finals subject and joint top in another so got two prizes there too. I didn't feel they handed them out like smarties. They went to people who were the best in the year group in the exams.

I prefer US lawyers' CVs on their websites.

Dwight L. Oppenheimer III, Esquire

Summa Cum Lauda

Dean's List (4th hardest)

Order of the Coife

Phi Beta Kappa

US Marine Corps (4th Div "The Widowmakers"), 2 tours of Eye-Raq

When I as at univ there used to be four prizes each term for the legal students. There were five of them. 

We should endow prizes for real merits 

The "how the hell did they even graduate?" award for least meritorious conduct and still getting better than a desmond

 

The tax specialist

Finnegan Snyde (Trinity 1985, BCL (Oxon) 1992, Middle Temple crypt scholarship)

Finnegan arrived at chambers on a moonless night, and has been practising tax law ever since. His cool rational approach makes others consider stakes very carefully before crossing him. Will work late into the night, and is often in before the clerks, as if he had never left.

What clients say "has it just got cold in here?" "I'm not instructing unless he blinks"

The jobbing junior:

Claire specialises in Crime, Personal Injury, Family Law and general civil litigation.  She accepts instructions in all areas.  

Lydia your irony-o-meter is out of whack again

Hehmax for Delicious-Wang. I’ve instructed him more than once. 

You missed out 

"Prior to being called to the Bar,Portia de Elita Posho worked in the USA securing the release of death row convicts and was also a part time Professor at Harvard, She has travelled extensively and has cuddled lots of children in orphanages in third world countries.   

She is a competitive skiier, Polo player and rower and was cox in the winning Oxford boat race in 2014. She rows most mornings on the Thames before work and is learning to play the Harpsicord. She is fluent in Russian, Spanish, French, Arabic and Mandarin chinese and is a trained cordon bleu chef. Portia campaigns for equality of access to the Bar regardless of means and education".  

(and she is 26 years old)   

Gosh, this one got off the ground quickly. And I thought I was the only one who could see through these poseurs.

If I had enough money I would start Trust Pilot for Barrister reviews - fully insured so that £25k libel cases could be batted into touch... Hahaha.

If you think 27 posts in 2 days is "getting off the ground quickly"...

You do realise most people on here either are barristers, or instruct them regularly, don't you?

dang, I missed this.

 

Eleanor Judgely-Strangeminge, 4 Skin Buildings (Chambers of Gerry Pacemaker QC)

Eleanor's practice spans both elements of chancery practice - Landlord and Tenant.  Awarded the Luminare Norkae bursary, Eleanor achieved the highest score ever recorded in Chess Law at St Growler's.  Eleanor is a chapter author of Drinkwater on Drainpipes and the editor Global Easements Review.   She was listed in Chambers 100 Unhot People Not to Have Dinner With at Mind She Doesn't Cop a Feel in 2018. In her spare time Eleanor enjoys battle re-enactment and arachnology. In her own mind, Eleanor has been a barrister since primary school.

Daniel Tool QC, 1 Bar Court (Chambers of Sir Colin Sharpsand QC)

Call 1996; Silk 1997; Recorder 1998;  Treasury Bastard (A List) 1999;  Carrier of the Pomme-de-Terre Royal and Keeper of the Privy Kerchief and Holder of the Pan to the Royal Household; Fellow of All Hallows and Sometime Remembrancer of Brian of Purley; Sub-Pro-Vice-Ante Chancellor of the University of West Wittering. Interests: self.

Reported cases include:

R v R [1996] 1 AC 1

Alcock v Noble [1997] ECR 456 an appeal in which Daniel established the principle of semper in excretia in insolvency proceedings.

Daniel is not available.

 

I think Toolers did an opinion for us.  Got the facts wrong but just brushed that off by saying it didn't affect the conclusion.  £25k.

I remember Tool when he was a junior.  The conference was short.  He just sneered and said "seriously?" then we had tea. Spode porcelain. Nice.  His junior called later to give reasons for the advice that we should not proceed with the matter. The client was a bit shocked at the brevity of the conference but grateful not to be forking out the issue fee at the time. They settled but later the other side breached the terms of the settlement and the whole thing got into a massive fight again, and this time the client sued. We used Simon Strongguff from the same set, lost, it went to appeal then to the House of Lords and at that point Tool became available.  The first conference was remarkable in that he gave completely different advice to that which the junior had outlined three years previously. The brief fee was £820,000.   

Strongguff's Chambers quote "not to be sniffed at" is about right tho

Anthony de'Minutive

Farknose Chambers

Called to the bar from the unlikely start in life at Margate in Kent, he has a first from St Bums College, Cambridge, Distinction on the BCL.  Graduated Summa Cum Ontits from Wharton.

Specialises in the law of chips, chippiness and general aggravation.  Voted top tier by Chambers and Partners at "biting the bloody legs off" the opposition.

Can be contacted through his clerk, Andrew Queringford-Cumberpatch ([email protected]).

Please don't try and call him, he can't reach his desk

 

 

 

If I had enough money I would start Trust Pilot for Barrister reviews - fully insured so that £25k libel cases could be batted into touch... Hahaha.

Anyone remember Solicitors From Hell?

There also was a Trust Pilot for Barrister reviews - it was called the Quality Assurance Scheme for Advocates.  Basically, at the end of each case the Judge would 'rate' the barrister.

Clearly this was completely ridiculous for a number of fairly obvious reasons.  The scheme never properly got off the ground and was scrapped about 3 years later.  

Reminiscent of a young Tim Bullish-Vue QC.  Tim was quite sure we’d succeed in our (novel at the time) claim in restitution, not troubling himself too much with the fact it would cost £2 million to run it, then advising on the eve of trial it was more like 30/70.  One supposes that the other trial he had looming for the same 3 week period had no bearing.

David de D'aucy B Key McIntich, Spliff Court Chambers.

Dave specializes in music rights. copyright and performing rights.  He acted for Phil Spector in the Wall of Sound litigation. Clients include Warner Music, Sony, The Beatles and, in the 80s, Orville.  Called to the Bar (Gray's Inn) in 1962, Dave has unparalleled experience in the music industry and was closely involved in the production of the Sargeant Peppper album; it was Dave's grand piano that was used for the final chord in A Day in The Life. More recently, Dave acted for Seasick Steve, the artist formerly known as Steve, to register exclusive rights to the first name "Seasick" in the face of a challenge from the British Passenger Ferries Association whose mascot "Heaving Steve" was a puking British Bulldog.  I really don't know where I am going with this, Ed.

hahahaha at and, in the 80s, Orville and 

 

n the face of a challenge from the British Passenger Ferries Association whose mascot "Heaving Steve

 

Bravo, Mutters

Dave is not so much fun to be with nowadays. He's stopped drinking and taking drugs and his weight has ballooned. His main passion is Brexit and campaigning against low traffic neighbourhoods. His last instructions were in 2017. The only reason he comes into chambers is to complain about how rubbish the clerks are and to sex pest anyone who is or has been female or, in default of anyone else, the trolley boys. The senior clerk has been dropping very heavy hints about how he should retire and unless he does so by Easter will report him to the BSB (multiple reportable offences to choose from).

Definitely instructed a few Portia Posho's in my time. 

TBF some of the juniors at the top public law sets are scarily accomplished. 

Heaving Steve the Barfing Bulldog should be a thing though

Sir Brian Tangmere

Former Master of the Rolls, Sir Brian rejoins Chambers as an arbitrator, returning to the specialism he developed when in Silk of media law, defamation and press regulation.  Brian sits on the Board of Ofcom, is a member of the BBC Trust, a special advisor to Sky, the Government's Chief Advisor on Press Regulation and a frequent commentator on media matters, retained by the BBC, Sky and Al Jazeera.  He is conflict free on all matters and works on a fixed fee basis through his offshore Cayman service company.

I once had a con in Keating chambers on a construction dispute and we had to bring one of the claims consultants with us - he brought his edition of Keating on Construction Contracts with him and asked Sir Vivian Ramsey QC to sign it. 

Dave Juste QC

BA Oxon (Greats 1995), BVC, Hattersbury Prize (constructive intent in traffic accidents)

Dave's practice has been transformed (hem...) by taking silk this year. Forming the well-known "power couple" with his wife Wilja Juste-HurreyUppe QC in chambers, it has been Dave's (wife's) ambition for Dave to take silk for some time. Even joking "I never even signed the form", he is ready for anything common law or crime that will pay for, sorry, need a Silk.

His clients say "how much now?" and "Dave was good value... [message ends]"

In his spare time, he grovels to his wife and bank manager alternately

Who remembers the 80-something bazza still bazzing at that age. Construction I think. Was in the early 2000s.

"Portia de Elita Posho" actually quit the bar in 2018 and then joined my firm. She is 32 not 26 as previously reported

Muttley you are a genius!

semper in excretia ahahahahaha

Greville Teapot-Hamilton-Flange (Grevvie to his friends), 1 South Vulture Court (Chambers of Rob Faighstowehythecourt - pronounced “Fanshaw”)

Call 1995; Most senior junior in Chambers; Government D Panel (has standing retainer with Messrs Jenrick and Grayling); Territorial Army; Fellow and President-Elect of the Mystical Society of Annual Courcheval Revellers. Lower second from Cambridge. Expelled from Eton; punishment was to complete 6th form at Harrow

Interests: coming up with amusing cricket metaphors to describe ongoing cases.

Grevvie has a distinguished practice in residential service charge mediation (winner of the 2015 “Earmuffs” award), petty business rates disputes, even pettier landowner squabbles, lease enforcement and possession proceedings, planning and agricultural disputes. He knows the fast track like the back of his hand and has a season ticket to the lands tribunal upper chamber despite not understanding the law of easements. Charming and the go-to guy for confusing tenants, judges and sometimes even himself in Court.

Reported case highlights include:

Smythe (Valuation Officer) v Staffs [2005] ECR 555 where on behalf of the valuation officer Grevvie successfully argued that a live swan was a hereditament for the purposes of assessing business rates (overturned on appeal)

Georgian Shacks Ltd v Mountain [2015] UKSC 964 where on behalf of a developer Grevvie convinced the court that a right to farm peasants and cultivate marajuana was an easement (falling within the ambit of the 1832 Act) and therefore bound the land upon a transfer in 1994 not withstanding the principle of ex turpi causa non orifice actio (talking illegality out of one’s arse). Was so surprised at winning this no-hoper of a case he tripped over his wig and had to be hospitalised.

Heh @ Territorial Army; Fellow and President-Elect of the Mystical Society of Annual Courcheval Revellers. Lower second from Cambridge. Expelled from Eton; punishment was to complete 6th form at Harrow

 

The semper in excretia thing is not a new thought. It was a motto I adopted at school. It was as far as my Latin went (not enough for the judging) but it was good for describing the trouble I had (nobody knows the trouble I seen etc)

Semper in excretia sumus solum profundiatis variat

We're always in the sh it, it's just the depth that varies.

 

 

Wish my old school's motto had been presented in Latin?  How would the Romans have said "Do you fooking want some"?

Mine's "Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines".

Basically, μολων λαβε is the Greek equivalent...

Teapot-Hamilton-Flange's chapter in The Law of Business Rates is a must read for any first year law student.

This is probably my favourite thread ever. Well done!

Imagine Heartey-Harte up against Teapot-Hamilton-fFlange in the upper lands tribunal.

H-h: sir, I appear for British Spaz plc <consults brief carefully, crumbs fall off it> Pensions Tustees ltd (good old Buffy, knew they'd never throw him out of the Spaz family, even after that competition-thingy), and my learned colleague Grevvie, sorry Mr Teapot-Hamilton-fFlange appears for the defendant, trustees of the settled trust number 3 of the Greebly-Wychett foundation (gosh, old Greebers must have more than I thought). The case before you is about an, erm, thingy that goes accross land.

Cocklecarrot LJ: can your colleague assist?

T-H-fF: gosh, sorry no, no idea. Rule in Ryland and Fletcher? Ummm... bluebell season?

Cocklecarrot LJ: fuxxake... right you tossers, I'm due shooting with the deVere-Hopleys this afternoon. I only took this on as it's easier to park the Bentley here. Now, get your juniors here and we'll sort it out, now you two piss off to Rules.

The Scots Advocate

Fergus Mctoul-Toul (Writer of the law library since 2010, MA St Andrews 2000, Fettes 1993-7)

Finlay is an advocate for all forms of proceedings including romanes eunt domum, quando est haec canii in fenester, cuis banana, interplevin, delict, tort. He is frequently in the inner, outer and even further outer courts of session. He will, if pushed, go to Glasgow. He is a formidable advocate who knows which schools all the important judges went to, and can pursue nasum brunneis with great skill.

Clients said "he was very strong in the first pre-initial quantification hearing. I never even knew we could be in court before we had even fallen out with the other side before" "very good collection of old boys ties"

quando est haec canii in fenester

 

heheh stop it. I am trying to be serious.

Have you ever done scotlit? It's impossible to read the docs without a hammed-up scots accent... that lot is sensible by comparison 

I don't laugh too much at the moment but this has been highly amusing - brilliant, thank you.

 

The  mid-tier junior

Julian Rring-Piece (MA Jesus col Oxford 2020, Crwpenfladbach prize ("Constructive implied intent in RTA, and the effect on Welsh devolution") Member Bar Welsh-speaking circle, Welsh Lawyers Association, Croeso i Cymri, Middle Temple Choir scholarship.

Julian has been with chambers for 6 years now, and has a developing practice in chancery. He will attend any court in England and is keen to build up relationships with instructing solicitors. He has a relationship of mutual (lack of) trust with the senior bar.

(Julian is as welsh as it is possible to be without actually going to Wales. He has got over the twitchy junior stage and feels he can actually hang his views of Canaerfon castle (with English flag flying) in his office. Now it's the fight upwards. He will do anything (except go to Wales) for a big-ticket instruction, and will laugh at client jokes for the sniff of a big client. Julian is the last to leave chambers parties, helping take the chairman of British Spaz to the nearest strip club. His clients love him, junior juniors hate him for using their work without shame or credit, the QCs in chambers check their coffee for broken glass when he is about. The head of chambers loves him - the sword of welsh damocles keeps the more recalcitrant QCs in line nicely).

His clients say "lovely guy, shame he's never available for the cardiff courts" "did the work of two barristers for us (in two different handwritings)" "always happy to arrange a junior to give training"

When no-one is looking Julian sneaks into Daniel Tool's office and sits at his desk wearing his wig...

Tool knows this, and is saving it for when Rring-Piece tries to take the British Spaz work off him...

@ buzz 10.49

"You fooking want some?"

Who was it who said the Angel of the North looked like a Geordie saying precisely that.

@ Cam 12.47

I once had a matter in a planning dispute

It took 2 years to get to the High Court. I did vast amounts of work on it ( the matter long preceded that.) But I was confident we had the landowner bang to rights. Including on several quite technical points under the TCPA 1990 on which there had never been a EWHC ruling. And a very decent junior junior bazza.  So we were ' Dressed Up and Ready To Go.'

The Judge (I don't remember who  I would have to check back) came into court. He listened to the introductions and said "I am going to adjourn for an hour. I want the parties to go outside and when we resume I want to see an agreed drafted and signed Consent Order in front of me."

Fook off.

Sub-text: "fsck me, it's Hearty and fFlange again. And Rules is doing treacle tart today..."

In all fairness Spurious, you asked a lands tribunal to make new law. I bet you started after lunch too...

The experts way to sneak that sort of thing in is to spend all afternoon reading submissions from Debretts as to the pedigree of both sides, cross-examine as to what school they went to, and then start on the law stuff once the judge has had time to let his lunch settle down...

In all fairness Spurious, you asked a lands tribunal to make new law. I bet you started after lunch too...

The experts way to sneak that sort of thing in is to spend all afternoon reading submissions from Debretts as to the pedigree of both sides, cross-examine as to what school they went to, and then start on the law stuff once the judge has had time to let his lunch settle down...

I love the snail's pace of this thread.  It may even run over lunch.

Key thing in gentleman's litigation, timely recessing for lunch...

Heh @ "Cayman Islands Telecom Co v GlobaCom, Inc (2006): the most disclosure there’s ever been."

Pretty sure the disclosure bit is lifted straight from my CV.

Delicia Foxy is a fresh-faced junior. She is a former lingerie model and  cast member of the reality TV series "The Only Way is Essex Court Chambers".

Despite her tender years, Delicia feels that one way or other most of her live has involved being 'at the bar', which well prepared her for her current role.

Delicia comes highly recommended by her clients for her work ethic and skills. "She is not phased by being phoned at any hour", says one, and adds: "she is not a clock-watcher, and is quite happy to spend the whole night on the job, whenever so requested".

Another comments that she is the only lawyer that he has come across who is literally prepared to "bend over backwards" for her clients.

Yet another admires her for her "good taste" and applauds her innate sense of how best to "dress for the occasion".  Despite coming across as "very easy"-going, she is also quite prepared to apply "corrective measures" whenever the situation demands.

Another client is particularly impressed by her apparent intimate knowledge of some very senior members of the judiciary and their apparent likes and dislikes that are not common knowledge.

Delicia has also acquired the close acquaintance of many other senior members of the bar, which one client attributes to the many "dinner parties" that she hosts for them at her Chelsea penthouse (although privately he wonders how a junior such as her could possibly afford the rent!).

Delicia maintains that she has always been attracted to the idea of being a "common" law lawyer; but for now she is just happy to continue plying her trade and learning on the job, which may explain why her services are in such high demand, both in and out of Chambers.