Advice

a friend of mine is having a hard time with this wife and texted me last night with a blow by blow account of their latest argument (in a long line), it's been going on for ages now and I am dragged in.  Message started: "that c 9 nt of wife of mine ...."

I offered support last night.

But what do I do now to support?

I did say that you mustn't call ladies (or indeed anyone) the c word, then I got a full description as to why he called her that, and it was appalling.

 

She actually is an appalling bully.

Depends why he hasn't left her. If he's trying to make things work then a woman's perspective might be useful. If it's over and he lacks the balls to just walk away then he prob needs a confidence boost.

Come on.  Make up some fruity details and splurge them on RoF.  You won't be breaking any confidences and everyone will have a fun afternoon.  

If you lack the imagination, grab literally any copy of the Daily Mail and paraphrase.  

"if you need somewhere to stay for the night then you've got a standing invitation to stay at mine; if you're lucky I'll even have some coffee for breakfast"

 

 

we have been close friends for over 5 years, but I don't know to what extent I should offer help because it might be seen as being interfering or that I am waiting to snaffle him up.

a mate's wife left him and needed somewhere to stay so i let her stay in my spare bedroom.

he was a bit concerned (given that i'd recently separated from a wife, and the lady staying in my spare bedroom was in fact an ex of mine & they'd met each other at my first wedding). 

anyway, we met up for a pint and it was all fine.  oddly enough he then later married another ex of mine.  who'd been at school with cuppers.

 

so i wouldn't worry about it, offer a mate a room

Ask if he is ok sure but keep it general

- don't ask "re home"

- don't refer to him as "hun"

- don't add a / any "x"

- don't do anything (at this stage) that might compromise or implicate you.

We don't want to be reading your texts in the DM in few months time...

Jesus Judy, don't be naive. You are getting one side of the story only and he has a vested interest in making his wife sound as atrocious as possible. He's looking to get his dick wet. 

but her story is going to be markedly different to his (& the there's the truth). You are being manipulated, step away from the entirely unrelated third party relationship and be tehre for your friendly if and when it crashes but don't fall for this now (he's probably buying her de Beers for christmas and shagging her every mornign & night regardless of what he says to you)

It's weird to think that when you were posting the funny stories about your ex, Badders, we didn't know the extent to which you were actually suffering. 

and actually being called a w**ker day in day out must be utterly demoralising.

I couldn't see it at the time.  It just became increasingly controlling and (psychologically) abusive.  Yes, I know the stories were funny (some of them genuinely were), but towards the end her complete lack of empathy and the conditionality of her mood and affections really badly affected me. 

Your friend needs to plan a way out.  Then he needs the courage to do it.  Easier said than done.  You can help him, but don't do it by written means (avoids you getting dragged in/implicated/hacked into bits by a psychotic spouse).  What he needs most is a boost in confidence and to realise that there IS a way out.