Jones Day has achieved Bonkers Law Firm Website status thanks to its grandiose introductory video.
"I know you usually look at small firms", said a reader, "but Jones Day's website is truly awful especially given how large it is. The clothes, the firefighters, the cogs..."
JD's tagline is "ONE FIRM WORLDWIDE", and the firm's imagineers correctly decided that such a bold slogan required suitably bombastic accompanying visuals.
As a result, visitors to Jones Day's website are not met with images of lawyers or an office, but with a rolling view of the earth.
Attenborough was unable, and unwilling, to narrate.
The galactic theme continues with a look inside mission control. It is not clear why Jones Day staff are launching a space shuttle, but it is an undeniably impressive achievement.
"Cleveland, we DON’T have a problem!"
Matters become even less grounded as a deal is shown being done by three smiling people putting one signature on a two page document in daylight, as opposed to fourteen greasy, grumpy people signing hundreds of tabs at 2am after a haggard trainee has ferried in amended copies for the sixth time.
"And now your visitor pass is agreed, let's proceed to the eight boxes of contracts."
Much more realistically, the video makes explicit we are all cogs in the machine.
Then there's a quick look at some more dynamic business.
"I've got the latest single sheet of blank paper you wanted on our ludicrously overblown video."
"Love it Mark, green light that bitch, you bastard."
Before a full orchestra drowns out accusations of a toxic culture.
"Flintstones, we're the Flintstones"
Next, a consultant drops in to remind slower partners what their law firm does.
"That's a great question Cliff, however London is a 'what', not a 'who'."
As the video wraps up, the firm arsonist's hard work is rightly showcased.
"Let's just watch, it looks burny up there."
But it all ends well, with a traumatised lawyer playing Jenga: Jones Day Values Edition.
Build the wall, build the wall.
Excellent job, Jones Day. If you've seen an uber-corporate law firm video, or any bonkers firm sites, write in.
Do you not think that now is the time to pull together and not put companies down. We are facing trying times and have all made mistakes. Concentrate people on what matters. If your lives are so dull that all you can do is put people down right now then shame on you. Jones Day is not perfect as an ex employee I should know but at least they are trying!!! They are looking after their staff which is more than can be said for some companies and I am sure that they are also looking after the communities wherever there offices are based.
The firefighters analogy, of course, is a Brogan favourite. With genuine seriousness, he likened Jones Day lawyers to 911 firefighters at the Washington New Lawyers Academy I attended years ago. Jaw on floor moment. It was the only thing that kept me awake for what was otherwise several hours of a painfully boring and uninspiring monologue.