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Dear Auntie Rof (Warning: J17 in nature)
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.....Meh
Posted - 02 April 2018 12:50
I have a bit of an ethical conundrum.

Around Christmas some guy emailed me on guardian soulmates. I didn't have a membership so couldn't reply. Then in the new year there was a cheapo week offer so I thought, why not? I replied to his email but didn't hear back so sent a message saying my subscription was expiring so here was my email if he wanted to get in touch, or not, wotevs type thing. I then received a very sweet and apologetic email explaining that he had started to see someone and couldn't get his head around dating more than one person at once but would get in touch if it didn't work out etc. I sent a nice response wishing him luck etc. Thought no more of it.

6-8 weeks later-ish, littlesis sent me a screenshot of her whatsapp to show a message she'd received but in her list was a photo of this guy as they'd been messaging. I told her about the emails and we both thought it was funny. She met up with him and really liked him. She was a little bit giddy and I was very pleased for her. She deserved a decent guy and this one seemed to have integrity and wasn't the sort to mess her around.

Fast forward a few weeks. He is currently busy with work (some bonus deadline coming up) and has family issues (sick brother who is not acutely sick but has been kinda sick for a while, nothing terminal). He's cancelled two dates because of this and hasn't had much time to see her. I think they managed to meet up for tea and cake one night last week. He's pretty quiet but she attributes this to him being really busy. We talked about it and whilst she accepts it might not turn out she feels that she really trusts him and will wait and see what happens.

Thing is, he's back on guardian soulmates. She is under the impression he deleted/paused his profile. His profile is not deleted and I saw him online. So I checked a couple more times (if I open our email chain it tells me when he was last online) and he is on it regularly.

Do I stick my beak in and tell her or do I just keep my mouth shut and be there for her in the background?
Ash89
Posted - 02 April 2018 12:55
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Tell her. Whatever she does with that information is her business.

He might just not be that into her and have an eye out.
Asturias es mi patria
Posted - 02 April 2018 12:56
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Not sure what the conundrum is tbf

you have no more moral duty to him than to a Putinbot

tell her
.....Meh
Posted - 02 April 2018 12:58
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I don't know. I don't want to upset her. I also worry that if I tell her and then she raises it with him then she looks like someone who is checking up on him when she isn't. And she can't really tell him it's her sister because that adds another weird dimension. But yes, I guess you're right. I should let her know.
.....Meh
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:01
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Actually. That's daft. If he's constantly on a dating site after a few weeks then he needs to go anyway.

She will just be so sad and I would like to be able to protect her from it. If he comes out with some crappy line like he's just got too much on or whatever it might not be quite so hurtful as him actively looking for someone else? Ugh I don't know. I'm not feeling great about any of it tbh.
trumptonia
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:01
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No offence

But how do you manage to make important decisions?
londoner247
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:02
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So, he doesn't know that the person he exchanged emails with (you) and the person he's dating are sisters? That didn't come up in conversation with Little Sis as a funny coincidence / small world story?

As for telling her, the truth is that you weren't checking up. You came across it by chance (at least that's what it sounds like) so just tell her and, as Ash says, what she chooses to do with the information is up to her.
.....Meh
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:02
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With great difficulty.
Asturias es mi patria
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:06
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Err, this info contradicts your (and your sisters ) narrative of the bloke. so what? maybe he's a douchebag, maybe he's just not that into her but isnt a douchebag *shrug*

As this is all v early stage stuff in any potential relationship, any narrative is automatically going to have lots and lots of holes, no?

Misshoolie
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:08
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He's not that into her and is keeping an eye out for another option

Either tell her or don't, but I expect it will have fizzled out between them shortly anyway
Misshoolie
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:09
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And also what Asti said - keeping his options open after a few dates doesn't denote a lack of integrity
.....Meh
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:14
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No it doesn't Hoolie. But telling the other person that you're going to delete your profile because you're dating and then reactivating it is a little shady in my book.

And given that this involves littlesis it is mega shady and I want to hit him in the face a bit.
Cat on a hot tin ceiling
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:15
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Just tell her but she shouldn't read too much into it.

She should let him know she knows by telling the story about her sister having been in touch with him earlier. It's not that weird. She doesn't have to bring him up on the site as a thing even...

She just says she was talking to you, you were on soul mates, showed her a picture of him and mentioned that you had been in touch in with him earlier.

It doesn't need more than a raised eyebrow from her at the him being on Soul Mates thing. If he's keen he'll address it. If he's not he'll move on and he would have done anyway.

Unless he has told her he has deleted/paused his account I am not sure why she would assume he has? By the sounds of it so far they have eaten cake together and that's about it?

Chances are he is keeping her warm while getting nuts deep in a few others but it's not the worst thing a bloke ever did and unless they have agreed something different explicitly she shouldn't really expect anything else at this stage?
Cat on a hot tin ceiling
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:16
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Ah, if he actually told her he was going to delete his account that's different.

Cos it makes him stupid.

And she should avoid stupid people.
Martian Law
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:18
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Tell her.

Maybe he's after the Meh sister triple crown
Misshoolie
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:22
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Fairy nuff but you didn't say that originally. You said she was under the impression he'd deleted or paused it.

This is why apps are a bit crap, they encourage people to think there's something else/better all the time
Foxbat
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:35
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So is she under the impression he's deleted it, did he voluntarily delete it and told her or did she ask him to delete it and he agreed?
.....Meh
Posted - 02 April 2018 13:37
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Sorry, my bad. Loose language.

He voluntarily deleted it. She wouldn't ask him to. She's a cool banana.
Oslama
Posted - 02 April 2018 14:38
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his behaviour is nothing, why do people get so hung up?

"oh no the bad man is still trying to get laid"
Original Teclis
Posted - 02 April 2018 14:49
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If he told her he'd voluntarily deleted it and hasn't, then he's a berk and obviously keeping his options open.

I've dated people for a few weeks and kept the subscription open before because I'd paid for it and you never know how someone will turn out so no point counting your chickens just because you've seen someone a few times.

So, yeah, totes tell her and offer to de-nadify him.

I'm envisaging a future where you secure a date with him while he's still seeing her and then she shows up bout 30 seconds after he does and the roffia are on standby to watch/laugh at/phonecam his humiliation as he attempts to babble out excuses.

YouTube gold.
Fonders
Posted - 02 April 2018 14:59
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FFS, apart from the OP this thread is everything that is wrong with RoF.

The correct answer is that you need to honey trap him. Drop him an innocent email to say you couldn’t help but notice he’s back on soulmates and ask if he’s available for a date as you haven’t stopped thinking about him.

If he says yes then go on the date, with your sister. Live RoF it.
trumptonia
Posted - 02 April 2018 15:02
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Christ
Fonders
Posted - 02 April 2018 15:11
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Pipe down old man
Oslama
Posted - 02 April 2018 15:12
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"Fondle my Easter Eggs" heh great name
Martian Law
Posted - 02 April 2018 15:14
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A real Rof answer would be to double up on him.

Original Teclis
Posted - 02 April 2018 15:17
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Fonders, did you not read my response at all? Or did it take you 15 minutes to write your reply and mine hadn't been posted yet?
Capt Haddock
Posted - 02 April 2018 15:45
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you will need to tell her because you care for her as the big sis

but you will only need to communicate as you would to to an adult capable of making her own calls and decisions - including allowances for errors - a bit like how you would hope you are warned by a close family member - without imposing and giving them the opportunity to make an informed decision with the caveat that you will fully support her decision (whatever she decides).
trumptonia
Posted - 02 April 2018 15:53
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NOTM6
Wellington
Posted - 02 April 2018 16:07
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Does it show him online if he’s just on the guardian news site? Is he definitely actively using the dating function?
.....Meh
Posted - 02 April 2018 16:32
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I think we will probably need to leave the honeytrap idea, nice though it is.

Soulmates is entirely separate. I asked how she knew he had definitely deleted/paused whatever and she said that if you clicked on him it said profile unavailable. Profile is definitely now available.

If it was anyone else I admit I wouldn't be so bovvered. But she is my sweet, optimistic and naive littlesis and therefore I am extremely bovvered.
Oslama
Posted - 02 April 2018 16:45
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give her my email address
Bloody Nora
Posted - 02 April 2018 17:04
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What Fonders said, obviously.
Original Teclis
Posted - 02 April 2018 18:57
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What ossy said, obviously.
Sergio Bogface
Posted - 02 April 2018 19:21
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Scary version: He's a scam artist trawling internet dating sites for potential victims. Any day soon, he will give your sister a sob story about his sick brother facing hospital bills of £5K, and ask to borrow the cash, which he will promise to pay back as soon as he gets his bonus paid.

Oslama
Posted - 02 April 2018 19:27
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That's all quite a leap
Sergio Bogface
Posted - 02 April 2018 19:43
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Well, according to the OP, he's already mentioned the sick brother and a bonus.

Sure, he could be just a regular guy, trying to shag as many women as possible, but he's putting quite a lot of work into 'being a nice, honest guy.' Too much work if he was just trying to get laid. Except that it turns out, he isn't as honest as all that. Up to that point, he seemed nice. Perhaps a bit too nice.

Oslama
Posted - 02 April 2018 19:45
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maybe
Sergio Bogface
Posted - 02 April 2018 19:55
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'On the internet, no-one knows you're a .'

'On the block chain, no-one knows you're a fridge.'

Badman
Posted - 02 April 2018 20:57
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"Oh no, the bad man is still trying to get laid".


How very dare you!

FYI the Badman is getting well and truly (and expertly and regularly) laid and is looking no further afield.
Oslama
Posted - 02 April 2018 21:02
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Playa