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Main Discussion

Wedding gitft ettiquette
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Maid_Marian02
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:05
.Years ago there were loads of threads on this but anyway..
A friend is getting married in a couple of months and they are doing it on a real budget as they're struggling - only family at a small ceremony then a meal then an evening reception, which all the friends are invited to. It's in a room in a bar, a paid bar, presumably music and dancing but no evening meal or buffet etc. They have asked for monetary contributions to a honeymoon fund.

Personally I hate money gifts as find them really cold but understand why people do them. But in the past it's been a case of basically paying for your place at the wedding, reflected in your gift. Would it be acceptable to just buy them a gift i.e. an experience think they'd like instead of giving cold hard cash as I've not idea how much they're expecting?! I recently did this for another friend - bought them a fancy afternoon tea out - but they're both rolling in it so a different set of circumstances and they didn't need the cash! Ta.
Maid_Marian02
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:06
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*etiquette, obvs not ettiquette
Brad's big donger
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:08
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I'd say just give them cash. There is no no need to be a complete snob about these things andt they obviously need the money.

intheregions
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:09
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when you say "buy them an experience" do you mean on the honeymoon? if so, then yes that's a good idea.

Otherwise, if you know they're a bit hard up and your contribution could mean they get a nice holiday somewhere, then put your foibles to one side and write a cheque. It's not like they're having a lavish wedding and then pleading poverty when it comes to the honeymoon, which is what I've seen before
Parsnip
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:09
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almost all store linked gift lists are vritual cash anyway, giving the recipient the right to amend after the "gift" has been chosen. So if someone buys you a sliver tray you can change it for a nintendo.

Just go with the donation. Its what they want.
misshoolie
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:09
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They're broke and they've asked for money so they can afford a honeymoon. Either give them what they actually want or nothing. They don't want what you think they should have
Trigger Warning
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:09
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just give them cash. It's what they want. Perhaps add a bottle of champagne.
Wellington
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:11
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If there struggling for cash the last thing they want is some "experience" which basically ends up costing them a fortune to travel to and probably stay over somewhere whilst enjoying the experience.

Just get them John Lewis vouchers.
cockpit
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:13
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Do exactly wot the woo sed.
The Real Anna
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:15
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Most of my friends have asked for money towards their honeymoon. I've bought travel vouchers, made bank transfers and stuck some cash in an envelope, depending on what they've asked for. Wedding lists are a bit old fashioned now most people already have everything they need.

I've also had friends ask for a charity donation in their name, and for no presents at all.

Just do what they ask, and if they don't say anything at all, buy them booze.
saoirse99
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:15
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I HATE cash gifts. Hate hate hate. But they did ask for it and it would save you hassle. You could give them a really nice small token thing too like a picture or sthg.
Brad's big donger
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:16
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Yeah, the additional bottle of champagne is a nice touch!
Queen E
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:19
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What Clergs said, a nice token gift and cash

Wedding lists are a really outdated concept IMHO
(_I_) @ I\I g O
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:19
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Give them cash and stop being an arse. In some cultures they pin wads of wonga to the bride ffs
Maid_Marian02
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:24
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Yup was planning to do what Morag said - cash donation then a small gift for the house. It's not about being an arse or a snob, it's about trying to get the balance right and no idea what they will be expecting as a way of a donation amount!
misshoolie
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:24
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Those cultures sound ace
Osama
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:24
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buy them a honeymoon
Maid_Marian02
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:25
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Might get a personalised label done for a bottle of fizz
misshoolie
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:25
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What would you normally spend on a wedding gift for a friend? 50 quid? 75? Just give them the same amount
Wellington
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:26
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Pretty much everything from our wedding list + all physical gifts we were given are still in a cupboard un touched after 18 months of marriage.
Queen E
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:26
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just donate what you would have spent on a gift

£50 should do it
GHF
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:27
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We had a small wedding, paid for it ourselves, and whilst we had a small gift list, we asked for JL gift vouchers (if anything, we weren't fussed).

The reason we was that (a) we having been living in a shoebox of a cottage whilst saving for a deposit - whilst presents are lovely (usually something one would never buy for themselves/think about buying), there is no room to put anything anywhere other than into paid for storage, and (b) once we buy a house (looking at the moment), we will need to furnish it and therefore the vouchers can be used towards the house.

My parents' generation really struggled with vouchers, and tended to buy gifts from the list; however our friends mainly gave us vouchers. And I can't wait until we buy a house and we are in a position to buy nice things for it.
(_I_) @ I\I g O
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:28
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I was a best man in the deep west of ireland. By the end of the night people had given me several thousand euros in gifts for the B&G. Given that me and stealth banana stayed up until five and drank the whole hotel dry of black bush* I was rather surprised to find the cash still in my pocket in the morning.

*which reminds me of a funny montie story
Wellington
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:32
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i went to a wedding in Ireland where everyone was doing cash gifts as well. The bar didn't have a card machine and no one had brought cash so the groom just opened all the cards and put all the money behind the bar.
Daydort
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:33
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just give them the cash agree with wot most said wedding lists are outdated
Maid_Marian02
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:33
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GHF yep much prefer the vouchers thing - a bank transfer is just really cold but hey ho that's what they want.
Cash and a personalised bottle of fizz it is.
cІubman
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:37
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i'd prolly be willing to pay for a specific activity on a honeymoon, that would be incremental to what they'd otherwise do.

otherwise IF THEY'VE NOT ALREADY GOT A FULL SET OF SHERRY GLASSES WHAT ON EARTH ARE THEY THINKING OF?
daddycam
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:37
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Aldi vouchers? (*runs away*)

I'd give them cash. It's a not ideal[1], but what is?

I think we said John Lewis vouchers (which we spend on a washing machine) or a charity donation

[1] I think my principle objection to cash gifts is there is no ambiguity or room for non-monetary value-add. It can be read as cold hard "I value our friendship at £x"
cockpit
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:41
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The German way is to have a piggy bank at the reception. Cash gifts go in there anonymously so there's no scope for "oh, x only values our friendship at €15."
Abbeywell/NSA
Posted - 16 February 2017 10:52
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Get them a set of Fish Knives and Forks
Maid_Marian02
Posted - 16 February 2017 12:05
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Abs, I'd love to..ditto sherry glasses, but see comments above on honouring what they've asked for

Cockpit - that's a great idea as it avoids all this for the EXACT reasons Cam points out.

Clubbers - no honeymoon activity as no honeymoon booked - just want a wad of cash to then plan one with.


Maid_Marian02
Posted - 16 February 2017 12:06
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Much easier when you can go on a web site and buy a meal/ sky dive/ drinks by the ocean etc
cІubman
Posted - 16 February 2017 12:08
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Sherry glasses it is
Gravitas? What Gravitas?
Posted - 16 February 2017 12:17
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What they all said, just give em cash.

Also what wang said re Ireland, there it is the norm, and priced as how much it is costing for your meal (and that of your family if you've kids) plus the actual present element on top. It's why you find Irish people go white when they tell you they have a load of weddings to go to this summer, it costs c40% of their salary.

Also what Welly said re gifts. They are all, every one of them, untouched after four years, and that includes waterford crystal wine glasses, 2 (!) fruit bowls, one of those fancy cork screws with the lever that is too big to store etc and so on.

In short, get them what they want, don't project your own snobbery on them, and don't be an arse, especially when they are skint and doing it the right way (i.e. on a budget, nothing fancy, little on tic).

The answer may vary if they were pushing the boat out on a grand all expenses paid do, but otherwise, give em cash.
misshoolie
Posted - 16 February 2017 12:23
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I still have three wedding gifts that I use regularly - a canteen of cutlery, a vase, and a food processor.

The rest are long since broken or charity shopped
Mufcsan
Posted - 16 February 2017 12:24
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Cash can be awkward but its expressly what they want. Chip in for Champagne breakfast at their hotel when they do book it, a nice touch!
Gravitas? What Gravitas?
Posted - 16 February 2017 12:32
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Cash is only awkward for brits.
Dukey
Posted - 16 February 2017 14:02
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Sounds like a sham marriage for the purposes of getting a free holiday.

Report them. Obvs.
Maid_Marian02
Posted - 16 February 2017 14:09
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Heh, one of mymale friends actually described his wedding like that in the invite - "please come as we're doing this so you'll send us money so we can go on a fancy arse holiday"
Analyst
Posted - 16 February 2017 14:12
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Getting married in April. We have specifically told guests not to buy gifts. The whole wedding present thing is a bit ridiculous in this day and age.
The Phoenix's Wing
Posted - 16 February 2017 14:16
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Give them the monnaie

If you don't have geld it is v difficult to live no

The times are changing I think in Britain yes
.....Meh
Posted - 16 February 2017 14:24
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A friend had a wedding with a website "gift list" where you could choose what you wanted to buy for their honeymoon. You could make a contribution to flights or buy them a round of cocktails at the bar or a couples massage or a day out. Things like that. I guess they probably just took the cash and spent it as they chose but it was nice that people felt like they were buying an experience?
Maid_Marian02
Posted - 16 February 2017 15:14
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Yep I've done a few like that too and don't mind those. I just hate the coldness of "I've transferred £50 to your bank account, go crazy".
They are getting a personalise gift yet to be decided as well as I'm not turning up empty handed.