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Blog Name: Jamie Hamilton @ RoF

Update: More firms answer RollOnFriday appeal to employ screwed-over KWM staff
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1
18 January 2017

More firms have signed up to RollOnFriday's appeal to find jobs for staff stuck at KWM.

If you're not up to speed with the car crash which was once SJ Berwin, catch up here. If you're working there and looking for options, one of these might suit:

Royds Withy King

Hi,
 
I’ve just seen your article to support KWM staff. We have the following vacancies in our London office that might be of interest:
 
Associate- Real Estate (5 yrs + PQE)
Marketing & BD Manager- Commercial Teams (Split across Bath and London)
 
All of our vacancies are posted on our careers website:

 
www.roydswithyking.com/careers
 
Thanks,
Claire
 
Claire Fennell
Recruitment Manager



Moorcrofts

Corporate Solicitor  - 1 to 5 Years PQE

Hi there

We’ve got an opening within our 6 strong Corporate team here at Moorcrofts in Marlow. City work but quality of life here is unrivalled.

If interested, in the first instance please submit your CV to Trevor Dyer, our Practice Director, via email to trevor@moorcrofts.com. Alternatively ring him on 07967 327221 for an informal discussion.



Muckle LLP

Hello

If any KWM people are interested in getting away from the City rat race and relocating up to the beautiful north east of England, then we would be delighted to hear from them.

Details of existing vacancies can be found here but we are always interested in hearing from talented individuals in whatever role who can contribute to our success and development:


https://www.muckle-llp.com/careers/qualified-lawyers-business-support/

Thanks

Jason Wainwright
Managing Partner
Muckle LLP


Taylor Vinters

Hi Roll on Friday
 
I saw your news piece and I am emailing to let you know about our London vacancies. We would love to hear from those who are interested and they can contact me directly (details below). More details available on our website: http://www.taylorvinters.com/join-us.
 
London vacancies
Corporate Associate
Corporate Senior Associate
Data/Regulatory Senior Associate or Partner
Charities Senior Associate or Partner
Commercial Technology (FinTech focus) Associate or Senior Associate
Corporate/Commercial (Growth Team) Senior Associate (must have experience working with entrepreneurial businesses and running early stage seed and venture capital fundraisings)
 
We also welcome speculative applications and would love to hear from anyone interested in working at Taylor Vinters.
 
Many thanks
 
Alix
 
Alix Balfe-Skinner     
HR Manager     



de Beristain Wallace Ltd

Hi,

We are a small boutique firm based in Mayfair, with a specialism in sports law.

We currently have an opening for a 3-4 year PQE litigation role and an office manager position.

Anyone interested in applying should get in touch with me at johnwallace@deberistainwallace.com

Kind regards,

John

John Wallace
Director


Stephens Scown LLP

Dear RoF,
 
We’ve seen your piece on KWM staff looking for work. If anyone is looking for a fresh start in the beautiful South West, we are recruiting for support staff and fee earner positions ranging from receptionist to solicitor. A full list of our vacancies can be found on our website at: https://www.stephens-scown.co.uk/careers/current-vacancies/. Or if anyone would like a chat about opportunities at Stephens Scown, which is the British Legal Awards UK Law Firm of the Year and the highest ranked law firm on the 2016 Times 100 Best Companies list, our HR team can be reached at 01392 210700.
 
Regards,
 
Emily
 
Emily Ottery
For and on behalf of Stephens Scown LLP
HR & Training Officer



Merali Beedle

I have just seen your article regarding KWM employees looking for new jobs.  We are currently recruiting solicitors at 5+ years PQE in various practice areas, including commercial property, property litigation, finance, employment and corporate.  Our lawyers work on the basis of a profit share, taking home 50% of fees generated up to £50k p/a and 70% above that threshold.  Our approach and model is based on providing absolute flexibility to genuinely entrepreneurial lawyers who want a better work-life balance and a vastly increased percentage of fees they generate.
 
Any solicitors who are interested should apply in the first instance to info@meralibeedle.com 



Wallace LLP

Wallace LLP have an opening for one Commercial Litigation Associate around the 2-4 pqe
 
www.wallace.co.uk
 
Please submit your CV by email to Tricia Davenport, t.davenport@wallace.co.uk
 
No agencies please.
 
Tricia Davenport 
HR Manager 



J P Fletcher & Co

Dear Sirs,

Further to your notification last Friday, we would be happy to see if we can assist any of the young lawyers at KWM. 

We are a small boutique in the City and specialise in commercial, corporate, civil litigation and employment law.  

Please do contact either myself or Charlotte Turnbull if we can assist. 

Regards, 

Justin P Fletcher

Managing Partner



 More positions from other firms interested in taking on KWM people can be found here. .... read more >
KWM enters administration
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0
17 January 2017
KWM has filed for administration.

King Wood & Mallesons LLP is expected to cease trading this afternoon. The firm will shut down and Quantuma administrator Andrew Hosking will take a transfer of its assets and control of the business. Those staff who have to stay on to transfer files and employees to other firms are expected to be moved out of the current office into smaller premises.

    That new office in full

Last week KWM stopped paying any of its staff, some of whom quite understandably resorted to raiding the canteen freezers. Today, partner relations descended into open warfare with an extraordinary email spat between two of them copying in almost the entire firm, in which one appeared to effectively call the other an Anglo-Saxon word for 'ladypart'.

Here's Managing Partner Tim Bednall's email to staff today:

"Dear Colleagues,

The UK firm, King & Wood Mallesons LLP, will appoint administrators today, following the finalisation of terms for the sale (in parts) of almost all of the London and Cambridge practices to a number of other firms, including KWM China.

The administrators will be Andrew Hosking and several of his partners from Quantuma.

The administrators will communicate with all staff, likely commencing this afternoon, and propose to arrange staff meetings with conference call dial in facilities. The administrators will advise continuing staff in relation to salary payments, and all staff concerning their statutory redundancy and statutory payments, and the process for making a claim on the national insurance fund. They will also advise on matters such as access to the office and to emails.

Immediately following the appointment of administrators, the firm will cease to practice. The firm will also cease to be a member of the KWM Verein, and will change its name to ‘QSP Residual Recoveries LLP’.

As advised last week, most active files have been or are in the process of being transferred to other firms. KWM China has established a new UK firm that will take on a number of active and inactive files, and KWM CIS will also take files on a temporary basis that are in the process of being transferred to other firms. If you have a live matter and are uncertain about where the file is to be held, please contact David Wilman and his team.

Samantha Palmer from Ashfords will be appointed as the Solicitor Manager of the LLP to manage the process of billing and collection of remaining files, and the allocation of client monies, amongst other things.

I am very sorry that it has finally come to this. I am particularly distressed by the fact that salaries were not able to be paid for the last two weeks, for reasons previously explained.

I wish you well."


Grim. KWM staffers still looking for a job may have some luck finding one here.

Read the full obituary on Friday.
.... read more >
Amazing leaked email spat between KWM partners
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2
17 January 2017

An extraordinary email spat between two partners at collapsing KWM has taken place in full view of the staff, shining a light on the extraordinary levels of dysfunction and ill-will at partnership level.

On Saturday private funds partner George Pinkham, who manages KWM's New York office, sent a valedictory email round the firm to let them know the good news that his job was safe and that he'd be transferring, along with the rest of the NY office, to KWM China. As well as being a cloth-eared announcement given that many of the recipients of his email are not being paid by the firm and are in the process of losing their jobs, in a stunning decision to break ranks Pinkham pronounced that "London management has managed to sink SJ Berwin".



Pinkham's accusation would have been sensational enough. But colourful self-promoter and Dubai partner Tim Taylor responded to accuse Pinkham of being tactless and wrong to assign blame. He did so by telling him "See you next Tuesday", a euphemistic backronym for 'ladypart'.

    Pinkham 

  Taylor (appearing on Made in Chelsea

     Everyone else

Having essentially called his fellow partner a front bottom in front of the entire firm, Taylor railed that Pinkham, who founded SJ Berwin's Paris office in 2001 and headed up its Hong Kong practice in 2012, should "try re-reading your own email and then asking yourself whether a culture of self-preoccupation and blaming others might have had something to so with how all this has happened".



In the next of the emails, which were leaked to Legal Cheek, Pinkham addressed the entire firm, writing, "Tim has chosen to distort my message and to gratuitously attack me". He doubled down on his accusation, specifying that the London managing and senior partners "made a series of catastrophic decisions in the past few years". He also appeared to reveal that he was banned from taking part in partnership votes after stepping down from his management position.



Taylor struck a semi-conciliatory tone in his reply which utterly failed to undo the impression of headless chickens trying to fight a duel.



A KWM spokeswoman declined to comment.

Meanwhile RollOnFriday continues to receive responses to its appeal to find screwed-over KWM staffers new jobs - updates are here. .... read more >
Lawyers repping Trump won Russian Firm of the Year award
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12 January 2017

Donald Trump has spent his first press conference as President-elect battling allegations that he is in bed with the Russians, and that they are peeing on him in it.

Oddly, his warm-up act was a lawyer. Sherri Dillon took to the podium to address the impression that Trump is replacing the US executive branch with a nepotistic swamp.

Her firm, Morgan Lewis, has been instructed by the tangerine nightmare to convince people that he doesn't need to set up a blind trust for his manifold business interests, and that it's fine if his sons run them in his place.

It was unconvincing. Her bio page at Morgan Lewis subsequently crashed as people flocked to find out more about her. But never mind that. In 2016, her firm won an extremely timely award:



Pozdravleniya!
.... read more >
Exclusive: Mystery man who unleashed "torrent of abuse" on commuter looks astonishingly like Linklaters lawyer
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6
11 January 2017

The man being sought by police for abusing a fellow commuter for one and a half hours after they asked him to turn down the volume of his phone looks astonishingly like a lawyer at Linklaters.

According to the British Transport Police, while travelling on the 9.35pm Virgin Trains service from London Kings Cross to Leeds last December a man unleashed a "torrent of abuse" on another passenger when they asked him to turn down the volume of his phone. The man "started verbally abusing the victim" and continued for "approximately 90 minutes". It left the victim feeling "uncomfortable and threatened".

The marathon rant was sufficiently serious that this week the British Transport Police launched an appeal to discover the perpetrator's identity. It released a photo of the furious commuter which was taken by another passenger and asked, "Do you know who he is?"

British Transport Police's Most Wanted   

RollOnFriday can exclusively reveal that the wanted man looks uncannily like Tom Longstaff, an associate at top City firm Linklaters.

 Tom Longstaff  

ULaw graduate Longstaff trained at DLA Piper and qualified into the firm two years ago before moving last October to Magic Circle firm Linklaters. According to sources, the litigation associate commutes to London from his home just outside Leeds, where he is also a parish councillor. An insider told RollOnFriday it "must have been a bad journey".

RollOnFriday contacted Longstaff but he referred the enquiry to Linklaters' PR team instead, and then wouldn't speak to them. Maybe it's his twin brother.

More on Friday.
.... read more >
KWM cancels all salaries as staff raid freezers
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-4
10 January 2017
KWM has filed a second notice to appoint administrators and staff are no longer being paid.

Filing the notice gives the beleagured firm ten more working days before it has to enter into administration.

Meanwhile, this morning KWM EUME Managing Partner Tim Bednall sent an email to staff informing them that salaries had been cancelled:

Barclays, our bankers, indicated to me on Thursday evening that they were not willing to approve the salary payments due to you. I made a proposal to the bank on Friday to counter this, asking that essential payments including salaries be paid. This proposal was rejected on Friday. I made a further proposal to ensure salary payments could be made on Sunday and this, also, was rejected. A final proposal was submitted to the bank last night and, with deepest regret, this too was rejected this morning.”

Staff were promised before Christmas that they would be paid weekly in January. Now that's not happening. As for continuing to "maintain client service", as promised when KWM filed its first notice to appoint administrators...good luck. Couriers are refusing to take packages, there's no land registry access and even the bog roll supplier has cut the firm off.

    KWM's canteen, this morning

Apparently there's also been a run on the in-house canteen's freezers by kitchen staff. Named Stanleys after the legacy firm's founder, the desecration is rather fitting. It's what the partners at the top have been doing for the last 12 months, after all.

Read more on Friday.
.... read more >
Slaughter and May announces 100% trainee retention
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21 December 2016
Slaughter and May will keep on 100% of its Spring-qualifying trainees.

The Magic Circle firm has made offers to all 25 of its March cohort, all of whom have accepted. It's the first firm to announce its figures, giving them a nice fuzzy feeling before Christmas. 

They will now experience Slaughters' Hunger Games-esque slimming programme until a final pair are approved by all the partners in circa 2023 and the other four still there and fighting it out take the hint and leave. Although maybe not - recently the firm has been uncharacteristically generous, making up ten new partners in one go.

The trainees will qualify on £78k, up from £71.5k as of last week when the firm improved its package. Nowhere near US rates and £7k less than contemporaries at Clifford Chance and Freshfields - although, unlike those firms, S&M doesn't include its bonus in its stated pay, so its NQs could earn as much or more as their Magic Circle peers.

    Another King of Bun Hill 

This is the firm's best retention rate for a while - it kept on 89% in the autumn, 95% this spring, 89% last autumn and 88% last spring.

A spokesman said, "Our consistently high retention rates demonstrate that the long-term future of the firm, as well as its distinctive culture and ethos, is in good hands”. Think it just means it's in hands. Though they probably are pretty good. .... read more >
Dutch firm stabs browsers
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08 December 2016

The Bonkers Website section of RollOnFriday has seen its fair share of grandstanding lawyers. But the looping film greeting visitors to Dutch firm Wijn & Stael Advocaten's website is perhaps the finest example we've ever seen.



It's short, but it's sweet:




The rest of its site isn't weird. Apart from the lawyer nicking audiobooks.


.... read more >
Law student wins Cambridge Best Bum competition
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08 December 2016
Warning: contains bums. Obviously.

A law student has won Cambridge student magazine The Tab's Best Bum competition. She gives her name as Polly, she studies at Homerton and she has a lovely bottom.



Polly told The Tab, “I’m a naturally shy kinda gal, but on the inside I’m a little wild. Doing something like this was a way of showing the world that introverts can feel good exposing themselves publicly as well”. In a disturbing reminder that sex sells at uni as well as on shameless online blogs, Polly said, "my essay grades have gone up so much since my supervisor happened to walk in mid-shot”.

To balance out the behinds, here's Liam, who came first of the blokes. Polly won 40% of the vote, Liam only got 3.86%. But what glutes. Robbed?



Here's cultural commentator 50 Cent on what the results meant to him:


.... read more >
The Lawyer Sex Doll Emails Part 3
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-1
07 December 2016

When RollOnFriday received spam from a sex doll manufacturer, I replied asking for 250 of their finest mannequins, but asked for them to be designed specifically for lawyers. The critics (well, one critic but he was pretty adamant) raved about The Lawyer Sex Dolls Emails Part 1:



-so there was no question of publishing Part 2.

To recap, by the end of Part 2, Kevin the sex doll salesman had confirmed that the anus he would puncture into the male sex dolls would be devoid of sharp edges.  He also agreed that when used, every orifice would play the theme tune from Inspector Morse. And with that, we reach the climax of our erotic adventure in silicone:



From: "jamie Titchenor" <siliconesolicitors@humanoid.net>
Sent: Saturday, November 05, 2016
To: "Entity doll"
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Inquiry

Hi Kevin

Excellent. A comfortable anus is a convivial anus, as my old mum used to say. Forgive me for straying into personal matters, but you strike me as a man in possession of a comfortable anus yourself. And, I think, a handsome one? As a token of my appreciation for whatever, please model the Male and Female dolls' ani on your own.

If anyone deserves to have thousands of legal professionals battering away at anatomically perfect replicas of their rear orifice while it plays the haunting theme tune from Inspector Morse, it's you Kevin.

I look forward to receipt of the free photos. Keen to use them in a major newspaper campaign to launch Erotic Attorney Ernie and the other one. We haven't fixed on a name for her yet. What do you think she should be called?

Jamie Campfire
Milky Legs
GROSS LTD


From: "Entity doll"  
Sent: Sunday, November 06, 2016
To: "jamie Titchenor" <siliconesolicitors@humanoid.net>
Subject: Re:Re: Re: Re: Inquiry

Dear Jamie
Please keep on taking about business. we are selling sex dolls for the ones they really need them, when too alone,and don't have a loved people.

They buy them back as a special wife or husband.

For photos, we are not free as it is not a simple work.

If need us to take photos, our change is USD350.0 , as a Sincerity, we afford some and you pay USD200.0

it is a hard work, we are afraid you won't like the photos even we take them as your request or you will change your mind for how to take the photos.

Maybe  you can buy one back and you can dressed her or him and take photos as your mind?

For Name, we called Alice . You can think about a better Name.

Tks
Kevin


From: "jamie Titchenor" <siliconesolicitors@humanoid.net>
Sent: Sunday, November 06, 2016 at 12:53 PM
To: "Entity doll"
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inquiry

Hi Kevin
 
No, we are selling sex dolls to anyone prepared to hump a silicone nightmare. Mostly serial killers, I imagine.
 
And that's the reason they must play the evocative theme tune from Inspector Morse when they're being shtupped.
 
Kevin, I must disclose to you that I am working closely with the Metropolitan Police on this matter.
 
They approached me when my adverts for the Sex Dolls first aired on national television during Coronation Street a few days ago. I went in expecting to be arrested for the quite explicit footage I had aired. Instead, Met police commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe himself walked into the room with a tray of Chocolate Digestives and told me he needed a way to track who was using our Lawyer Sex Dolls. He told me it was highly likely that the Lawyer Sex Doll will serve as a so-called gateway drug, and that the same lawyers who caress its cold rubber skin will probably go on to set fire to geese, jump around in supermarkets and kill Duplo whores. Sir Bernard is stepping down from his role and he told me that for him this is a legacy issue.
 
Working with their top people, we discovered that the best way to alert detectives to silicone doll sodomy is to play the theme tune from Inspector Morse out of its bunghole. Apparently the stirring Inspector Morse tune is hardwired into every British bobby's brain. For some unknown evolutionary reason they can hear it from miles away even if it's playing tinnily from a cock-muffled plastic arsehole. Sir Bernard was as shocked as I was when he picked it up from his well-appointed home in Saffron Waldon while I assaulted a mock-up in Chichester. He drove 150 miles down the A3, kicked down the door and burst into my Premier Inn bathroom as I was showering off with a full-size cardboard cut-out of Darth Vader. How we laughed! But it proved the brains were right.
 
They also told Sir Bernard and me why the anus must be an exact replica of your anus. The creases of a sphincter are apparently as unique as fingerprints. Your one-of-a-kind anus, Kevin, will leave a corresponding imprint on the member of the lawyer using a lawyer sex doll. By simply making him or her roll their wang on an inkpad, then pressing it onto a piece of paper, police can prove the suspect was abusing your anus, and use that as evidence against them in court.
 
They said the one flaw is that any lawyer using a sex doll in any intimate way, not just via its bottom, could go on to commit crimes like throwing butter. They said that ideally the mouths, Alice's vjj and the tip of Erotic Attorney Ernie's eric should also be replaced with your anus. And all of them must play Morse, obviously.
 
Can this be done?
 
Jamie Coalembers
Mood Consultant
GROSS Ltd

 

From: "Entity doll"
Sent: Monday, November 07, 2016
To: "jamie Titchenor" <siliconesolicitors@humanoid.net>
Subject: Re:Re: Re: Re: Re: Inquiry

Dear Jamie

So you will need the sex doll to help the police to crack a criminal case or Arrest the criminal?

Really,it is hard to understand.
For anus, can be unique,but it hard to leave a corresponding imprint on the member of the lawyer using a lawyer sex doll.

And even all things can be produced as your request, how many pcs will you need ?

Tks
Kevin


From: "sir hulk-hogan-howe" <sirbernard@toothfairy.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 08, 2016
To: entitydoll@126.com
Cc: siliconesolicitors@humanoid.net
Subject: Project Dummy

Dear Kevin
 
Thank you for your email to Jamie Christmaslights dated 6 November 2016, a printed copy of which was received by my Private Office on 7 November 2016.
 
You have queried the purpose of the Metropolitan Police Service's use of your Lawyer Sex Dolls and the involvement of your anus. I wish to allay any concerns you may have.
 
Firstly, we are not seeking to 'crack' a single case so much as apprehend an entire class of criminal.
 
It seems to me that a person is unarguably culpable of wrongdoing once they lay with a facsimile of a human being, whether or not its realism is diminished by having the head of a muppet and a Chinese man's bum hole instead of a mouth. It is entirely proper that we criminalise such behaviour, and arrest and seek to prosecute those indulging in it.
 
Secondly, it is neither practical nor wise for police to bring such cases without proper evidence of wrongdoing. Imprinting the musculature of your interior sphincter on a suspect's sex organ will provide the necessary level of proof which the Director of Public Prosecutions demands.
 
That brings me to the issue of your future involvement. A successful trial will require you to fulfil three duties:

1.    On each occasion a lawyer is charged with assaulting 'Erotic Attorney Ernie' or 'Alice Juicy QC', you must appear in court.

2.    You must testify on oath that their silicone anus is a true likeness of your own.

3.    Defence experts must be permitted to inspect your anus on the stand. Stirrups will be provided and a curtain if available.
 
The Metropolitan police will pay for your flights and a suite of rooms at London's Buckingham Palace.

Please confirm these arrangements are acceptable. Some of my fellow officers have already queried my judgment in this matter. Without your agreement I will be forced to withdraw the police's considerable financial support for Jamie Christmaslights and he will not be able to purchase a shipment of dolls.
 
In the meantime, Jamie Chistmaslights, who is copied into this email, requires eight complimentary pictures from your company:
 
•    Alice sits at her desk on a Friday night in her wig but otherwise nude, filling out a timesheet while her fellow barristers skip past her for a night on the town.
•    Ernie stands at a urinal with his erect furry penis (with an anus on the end) protruding from his fly, being laughed at by colleagues  because he is biologically incapable of urinating and suffers from priapism.
•    Ernie stands on a table nude, pointing with both hands at his stovepipe with tears streaming down his cheeks as his colleagues look away in embarrassment, except for Alice, who stares up at him from across the room with interest, nude except for her barrister's wig.
•    Ernie and Alice, who is nude except for her barrister's wig, make a mess eating ice cream together, but they don't give a damn!
•    Ernie and Alice, who is completely nude except for the barrister's wig, ride a tandem bike down a busy road.
•    Ernie and Alice, the wind caressing her naked body and blowing through her barrister's wig, hanglide.
•    Ernie and Alice, who is naked and tossing her barrister's wig in the air, celebrate a positive pregnancy test.
•    A baby doll sleeps in a crib as Ernie and Alice, both naked except for Alice's trademark barrister's wig, squat on a human in the master bed whose blurred face is overlaid with the legend IT COULD BE YOU.
 
You have an important part to play in our fight against moral deviancy, Kevin. On behalf of the Metropolitan Police Service, I salute you.
 



From: "Entity doll"
Sent: Tuesday, November 08, 2016
To: "sir hulk-hogan-howe" <sirbernard@toothfairy.com>
Subject: Re: Project Dummy

hello sir .we only sell dolls with normal holes.and i can.t fulfil the three duties .tks kevin

发自网易邮箱大师


From: "sir hulk-hogan-howe" <sirbernard@toothfairy.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 08, 2016
To: entitydoll@126.com
Cc: siliconesolicitors@humanoid.net
Subject: Re: Re: Project Dummy

Dear Kevin
 
Thank you for your prompt reply. What if I can guarantee a curtain?




From: "Entity doll"
Sent: Tuesday, November 08, 2016
To: "sir hulk-hogan-howe" <sirbernard@toothfairy.com>
Subject: Re: Project Dummy

hello sir .we only sell dolls with normal holes.and i can.t fulfil the three duties .tks kevin


发自网易邮箱大师


From: "denise cabangawanger" <denisecb@catlover.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 08, 2016
To: entitydoll@126.com
Subject: Titchenor - Ref.594/TC-DCB

Dear Kevin

I regret to inform you that Mr Jamie Titchenor, the philanthropic entrepreneur sometimes known as Jamie Candelabra, Jamie Chandelier, Jamie Candlelight, Jamie Campfire, Jamie Coalembers and Jamie Christmaslights, and with whom you were exploring a possible business venture, has bloody died.

He was found in his bath at home by 46 police officers this evening. As far as they can tell, Mr Titchenor taped a CD player to a cardboard display and made love to it. Tragically, the Discman entered the water while it was playing and Mr Titchenor was electrocuted. Here is a disturbing police photo of the scene:

 

His death is not being treated as suspicious. A note left on the cistern indicates that he was attempting an experiment which went badly wrong:

 

I am writing to you because I am a solicitor and I have been appointed the executor of Mr Titchenor's estate.

Mr Titchenor’s last will and testament instructed that his entire wealth should be applied to whatever project he was working on at the time of his death, by way of a gift to any surviving partners who were working with him on that project.

Mr Titchenor led a succession of laudable campaigns during his lifetime, with esteemed partners around the globe. His penultimate project was helping to build wells in Sudan with Kofi Annan. I understand that his next enterprise would have tackled climate change, with David Attenborough's assistance.

However, his current project was building Silicone Lawyer Sex Dolls with you.

Mr Titchenor fell off the wagon shortly before writing to you for the first time, and this absurd endeavour appears to have been the result of his duel with the bottle. He was already seeking help, but, alas, too late. Your project was indisputably his last. With considerable regret, I am therefore required to inform you that you are the sole beneficiary Mr Titchenor’s estate, being £70,267.

To that end, I must tell you that Mr Titchenor leaves behind a 10-month-old son, Jonjon. Jonjon is now orphaned and, unless those who care about him get funding to fight the decision in the courts, he will be sent to his Uncle Bonbon. Bonbon is a damaged and dangerous man who has recently been released from prison, where he was sent for drowning babies by dropping them in a canal, then walking downstream and pushing their heads underwater with the back of a spade to make sure. As you can imagine, Jonjon stands almost no chance with Uncle Bonbon.

You are under no obligation to do so, but if you instruct me to use the £70,267 to save this orphaned baby’s life and have Jonjon rehoused with his kindly Aunt Gonlon instead of Uncle Bonbon, I will gladly do so.

Otherwise, please provide your name and address and I will post you a cheque for £70,267.

I am sorry for your loss.

Kind regards,

Denise

Denise Cabangawanger
Partner
Cabangawanger & Shlangerbanger LLP
Bingo House
10 Coughing Road
Ipswich

 
**********************************************************************

Haven't heard back, thankfully. 

More junk mail silliness:

Scammer Sadiq Ahmed meets Mr Wibble

Scammer dresses up as a soldier for Randy Testes

Scammer pretends to have a terminal illness, endures Gordon Fathands


.... read more >

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