Asia-Pacific

Check out this week's top Asia-Pacific news on the Asia Pacific Headline page.
  

Follow RoF

For all the breaking news, follow RoF on Twitter and Facebook

         
   
  

Make Me...

...an offer I can't refuse. Put your details on Make Me An Offer and let top law firms come and offer you jobs. It's confidential, anonymous and free.
  

Discussion

Discussion
The discussion board has the answers to all life's questions. Get advice on how to get a job, where to work, how your salary matches up and where to go after hours.
  

Blogs

The Lawyer Sex Doll Emails Part 3

Rate it
-12
07 December 2016 09:52

When RollOnFriday received spam from a sex doll manufacturer, I replied asking for 250 of their finest mannequins, but asked for them to be designed specifically for lawyers. The critics (well, one critic but he was pretty adamant) raved about The Lawyer Sex Dolls Emails Part 1:



-so there was no question of publishing Part 2.

To recap, by the end of Part 2, Kevin the sex doll salesman had confirmed that the anus he would puncture into the male sex dolls would be devoid of sharp edges.  He also agreed that when used, every orifice would play the theme tune from Inspector Morse. And with that, we reach the climax of our erotic adventure in silicone:



From: "jamie Titchenor" <siliconesolicitors@humanoid.net>
Sent: Saturday, November 05, 2016
To: "Entity doll"
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Inquiry

Hi Kevin

Excellent. A comfortable anus is a convivial anus, as my old mum used to say. Forgive me for straying into personal matters, but you strike me as a man in possession of a comfortable anus yourself. And, I think, a handsome one? As a token of my appreciation for whatever, please model the Male and Female dolls' ani on your own.

If anyone deserves to have thousands of legal professionals battering away at anatomically perfect replicas of their rear orifice while it plays the haunting theme tune from Inspector Morse, it's you Kevin.

I look forward to receipt of the free photos. Keen to use them in a major newspaper campaign to launch Erotic Attorney Ernie and the other one. We haven't fixed on a name for her yet. What do you think she should be called?

Jamie Campfire
Milky Legs
GROSS LTD


From: "Entity doll"  
Sent: Sunday, November 06, 2016
To: "jamie Titchenor" <siliconesolicitors@humanoid.net>
Subject: Re:Re: Re: Re: Inquiry

Dear Jamie
Please keep on taking about business. we are selling sex dolls for the ones they really need them, when too alone,and don't have a loved people.

They buy them back as a special wife or husband.

For photos, we are not free as it is not a simple work.

If need us to take photos, our change is USD350.0 , as a Sincerity, we afford some and you pay USD200.0

it is a hard work, we are afraid you won't like the photos even we take them as your request or you will change your mind for how to take the photos.

Maybe  you can buy one back and you can dressed her or him and take photos as your mind?

For Name, we called Alice . You can think about a better Name.

Tks
Kevin


From: "jamie Titchenor" <siliconesolicitors@humanoid.net>
Sent: Sunday, November 06, 2016 at 12:53 PM
To: "Entity doll"
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inquiry

Hi Kevin
 
No, we are selling sex dolls to anyone prepared to hump a silicone nightmare. Mostly serial killers, I imagine.
 
And that's the reason they must play the evocative theme tune from Inspector Morse when they're being shtupped.
 
Kevin, I must disclose to you that I am working closely with the Metropolitan Police on this matter.
 
They approached me when my adverts for the Sex Dolls first aired on national television during Coronation Street a few days ago. I went in expecting to be arrested for the quite explicit footage I had aired. Instead, Met police commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe himself walked into the room with a tray of Chocolate Digestives and told me he needed a way to track who was using our Lawyer Sex Dolls. He told me it was highly likely that the Lawyer Sex Doll will serve as a so-called gateway drug, and that the same lawyers who caress its cold rubber skin will probably go on to set fire to geese, jump around in supermarkets and kill Duplo whores. Sir Bernard is stepping down from his role and he told me that for him this is a legacy issue.
 
Working with their top people, we discovered that the best way to alert detectives to silicone doll sodomy is to play the theme tune from Inspector Morse out of its bunghole. Apparently the stirring Inspector Morse tune is hardwired into every British bobby's brain. For some unknown evolutionary reason they can hear it from miles away even if it's playing tinnily from a cock-muffled plastic arsehole. Sir Bernard was as shocked as I was when he picked it up from his well-appointed home in Saffron Waldon while I assaulted a mock-up in Chichester. He drove 150 miles down the A3, kicked down the door and burst into my Premier Inn bathroom as I was showering off with a full-size cardboard cut-out of Darth Vader. How we laughed! But it proved the brains were right.
 
They also told Sir Bernard and me why the anus must be an exact replica of your anus. The creases of a sphincter are apparently as unique as fingerprints. Your one-of-a-kind anus, Kevin, will leave a corresponding imprint on the member of the lawyer using a lawyer sex doll. By simply making him or her roll their wang on an inkpad, then pressing it onto a piece of paper, police can prove the suspect was abusing your anus, and use that as evidence against them in court.
 
They said the one flaw is that any lawyer using a sex doll in any intimate way, not just via its bottom, could go on to commit crimes like throwing butter. They said that ideally the mouths, Alice's vjj and the tip of Erotic Attorney Ernie's eric should also be replaced with your anus. And all of them must play Morse, obviously.
 
Can this be done?
 
Jamie Coalembers
Mood Consultant
GROSS Ltd

 

From: "Entity doll"
Sent: Monday, November 07, 2016
To: "jamie Titchenor" <siliconesolicitors@humanoid.net>
Subject: Re:Re: Re: Re: Re: Inquiry

Dear Jamie

So you will need the sex doll to help the police to crack a criminal case or Arrest the criminal?

Really,it is hard to understand.
For anus, can be unique,but it hard to leave a corresponding imprint on the member of the lawyer using a lawyer sex doll.

And even all things can be produced as your request, how many pcs will you need ?

Tks
Kevin


From: "sir hulk-hogan-howe" <sirbernard@toothfairy.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 08, 2016
To: entitydoll@126.com
Cc: siliconesolicitors@humanoid.net
Subject: Project Dummy

Dear Kevin
 
Thank you for your email to Jamie Christmaslights dated 6 November 2016, a printed copy of which was received by my Private Office on 7 November 2016.
 
You have queried the purpose of the Metropolitan Police Service's use of your Lawyer Sex Dolls and the involvement of your anus. I wish to allay any concerns you may have.
 
Firstly, we are not seeking to 'crack' a single case so much as apprehend an entire class of criminal.
 
It seems to me that a person is unarguably culpable of wrongdoing once they lay with a facsimile of a human being, whether or not its realism is diminished by having the head of a muppet and a Chinese man's bum hole instead of a mouth. It is entirely proper that we criminalise such behaviour, and arrest and seek to prosecute those indulging in it.
 
Secondly, it is neither practical nor wise for police to bring such cases without proper evidence of wrongdoing. Imprinting the musculature of your interior sphincter on a suspect's sex organ will provide the necessary level of proof which the Director of Public Prosecutions demands.
 
That brings me to the issue of your future involvement. A successful trial will require you to fulfil three duties:

1.    On each occasion a lawyer is charged with assaulting 'Erotic Attorney Ernie' or 'Alice Juicy QC', you must appear in court.

2.    You must testify on oath that their silicone anus is a true likeness of your own.

3.    Defence experts must be permitted to inspect your anus on the stand. Stirrups will be provided and a curtain if available.
 
The Metropolitan police will pay for your flights and a suite of rooms at London's Buckingham Palace.

Please confirm these arrangements are acceptable. Some of my fellow officers have already queried my judgment in this matter. Without your agreement I will be forced to withdraw the police's considerable financial support for Jamie Christmaslights and he will not be able to purchase a shipment of dolls.
 
In the meantime, Jamie Chistmaslights, who is copied into this email, requires eight complimentary pictures from your company:
 
•    Alice sits at her desk on a Friday night in her wig but otherwise nude, filling out a timesheet while her fellow barristers skip past her for a night on the town.
•    Ernie stands at a urinal with his erect furry penis (with an anus on the end) protruding from his fly, being laughed at by colleagues  because he is biologically incapable of urinating and suffers from priapism.
•    Ernie stands on a table nude, pointing with both hands at his stovepipe with tears streaming down his cheeks as his colleagues look away in embarrassment, except for Alice, who stares up at him from across the room with interest, nude except for her barrister's wig.
•    Ernie and Alice, who is nude except for her barrister's wig, make a mess eating ice cream together, but they don't give a damn!
•    Ernie and Alice, who is completely nude except for the barrister's wig, ride a tandem bike down a busy road.
•    Ernie and Alice, the wind caressing her naked body and blowing through her barrister's wig, hanglide.
•    Ernie and Alice, who is naked and tossing her barrister's wig in the air, celebrate a positive pregnancy test.
•    A baby doll sleeps in a crib as Ernie and Alice, both naked except for Alice's trademark barrister's wig, squat on a human in the master bed whose blurred face is overlaid with the legend IT COULD BE YOU.
 
You have an important part to play in our fight against moral deviancy, Kevin. On behalf of the Metropolitan Police Service, I salute you.
 



From: "Entity doll"
Sent: Tuesday, November 08, 2016
To: "sir hulk-hogan-howe" <sirbernard@toothfairy.com>
Subject: Re: Project Dummy

hello sir .we only sell dolls with normal holes.and i can.t fulfil the three duties .tks kevin

发自网易邮箱大师


From: "sir hulk-hogan-howe" <sirbernard@toothfairy.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 08, 2016
To: entitydoll@126.com
Cc: siliconesolicitors@humanoid.net
Subject: Re: Re: Project Dummy

Dear Kevin
 
Thank you for your prompt reply. What if I can guarantee a curtain?




From: "Entity doll"
Sent: Tuesday, November 08, 2016
To: "sir hulk-hogan-howe" <sirbernard@toothfairy.com>
Subject: Re: Project Dummy

hello sir .we only sell dolls with normal holes.and i can.t fulfil the three duties .tks kevin


发自网易邮箱大师


From: "denise cabangawanger" <denisecb@catlover.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 08, 2016
To: entitydoll@126.com
Subject: Titchenor - Ref.594/TC-DCB

Dear Kevin

I regret to inform you that Mr Jamie Titchenor, the philanthropic entrepreneur sometimes known as Jamie Candelabra, Jamie Chandelier, Jamie Candlelight, Jamie Campfire, Jamie Coalembers and Jamie Christmaslights, and with whom you were exploring a possible business venture, has bloody died.

He was found in his bath at home by 46 police officers this evening. As far as they can tell, Mr Titchenor taped a CD player to a cardboard display and made love to it. Tragically, the Discman entered the water while it was playing and Mr Titchenor was electrocuted. Here is a disturbing police photo of the scene:

 

His death is not being treated as suspicious. A note left on the cistern indicates that he was attempting an experiment which went badly wrong:

 

I am writing to you because I am a solicitor and I have been appointed the executor of Mr Titchenor's estate.

Mr Titchenor’s last will and testament instructed that his entire wealth should be applied to whatever project he was working on at the time of his death, by way of a gift to any surviving partners who were working with him on that project.

Mr Titchenor led a succession of laudable campaigns during his lifetime, with esteemed partners around the globe. His penultimate project was helping to build wells in Sudan with Kofi Annan. I understand that his next enterprise would have tackled climate change, with David Attenborough's assistance.

However, his current project was building Silicone Lawyer Sex Dolls with you.

Mr Titchenor fell off the wagon shortly before writing to you for the first time, and this absurd endeavour appears to have been the result of his duel with the bottle. He was already seeking help, but, alas, too late. Your project was indisputably his last. With considerable regret, I am therefore required to inform you that you are the sole beneficiary Mr Titchenor’s estate, being £70,267.

To that end, I must tell you that Mr Titchenor leaves behind a 10-month-old son, Jonjon. Jonjon is now orphaned and, unless those who care about him get funding to fight the decision in the courts, he will be sent to his Uncle Bonbon. Bonbon is a damaged and dangerous man who has recently been released from prison, where he was sent for drowning babies by dropping them in a canal, then walking downstream and pushing their heads underwater with the back of a spade to make sure. As you can imagine, Jonjon stands almost no chance with Uncle Bonbon.

You are under no obligation to do so, but if you instruct me to use the £70,267 to save this orphaned baby’s life and have Jonjon rehoused with his kindly Aunt Gonlon instead of Uncle Bonbon, I will gladly do so.

Otherwise, please provide your name and address and I will post you a cheque for £70,267.

I am sorry for your loss.

Kind regards,

Denise

Denise Cabangawanger
Partner
Cabangawanger & Shlangerbanger LLP
Bingo House
10 Coughing Road
Ipswich

 
**********************************************************************

Haven't heard back, thankfully. 

More junk mail silliness:

Scammer Sadiq Ahmed meets Mr Wibble

Scammer dresses up as a soldier for Randy Testes

Scammer pretends to have a terminal illness, endures Gordon Fathands


  

Comments

Feel free to enter your comments on the news story below, subject to our terms and conditions. Please note that comments are subject to moderation and so will not appear immediately.

Please keep it nice. Thanks.

Order By:
anonymous user
01/12/2016 22:56
Rate it
0
Report as offensive
Part 1 was ace.

You exhausted it by Part 3.
anonymous user
02/12/2016 15:06
Rate it
0
Report as offensive
This continues to read like the work of a fourteen year old, and betrays hints of a rugby club "humour" that would have been unacceptable 15 years ago. Please hire a decent editor and give them access to the delete button.
anonymous user
05/12/2016 15:19
Rate it
0
Report as offensive
The kind of joke that appears funny from the inside, I guess.